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  • Writer's pictureHank Klint

Google Just Laid Off Thirty One Massage Therapists. Is The Company In Crisis?

What are they going to put in the calendar now between the 10am hot yoga session and the 11am buffet lunch?

If you hold Google stock right now, maybe you should be worried. Financial indicators are a dime a dozen but reliable financial indicators are few and far between. Over the years we have had the famous "Inverse Jim Cramer ETF", which is just betting against anything the TV personality says on his show. We also had a golden period of an octopus picking stocks that beat Wall Street. What a time to be alive.

But more recently, there has been no magic formula. No secret spice that makes the stock dish Michelin starred. Not even a reliable 18 year old Tik Tok stars telling you how to get rich in three easy steps (Spoiler alert: One of them is give them money.) We as corporate drones have yearned for an indicator we can profit off of. Well, I think I may have found the perfect solution.

When a company is slumping, the luxuries get shredded.

Alphabet has laid off 31 massage therapists. That leaves a lot of tense and unsupple muscles labouring around the offices. How will the employee's cope? Thoughts and prayers I assume. Because it isn't coming from their CEO Sundar Pichai, who openly stated: "The fact that these changes will impact the lives of Googlers weighs heavily on me,"

Which would be heartwarming and endearing if he had not just received $226 million in corporate compensation for his troubles. Stay strong Sundar, I am sure you will make it through these troubled waters. Unlike the Googlers in California who are now sans massage therapists.

They are also now without a diversity specialist, but maybe thats a topic for another article.

No who would want to work at Google now? All hunched over and tense. Nobody that's who. They are going to lose thousands of their best employee's to their competitors who probably still offer both Thai and Swedish massages, and all the other perks that tech workers love, like chia smoothies, Peloton subscriptions or sunrise pilates. But clothes must stay on at all times. HR does not like naked people. Especially naked people on pilates balls.

At least they don't have to fear their workers leaving for Twitter. They don't even pay for their offices. Do they even have HR anymore? Long story short, if you're a nudist, maybe Twitter is for you.

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