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  • Writer's pictureHank Klint

Should We Eat The Rich? Literally.

Not metaphorically. Maybe just one or two to send a message...

Human's are adept at eating things they should not. We eat fugu fish depsite them being toxic. We discovered Oleander was poisonous by trying to turn it into tea. We peaked evolutionary by having eaten an entire blended New York subway rat on Fear Factor. Every day we seem to stray further from god by trying to ingest something we should not, often pushed onto us by corporations. McDonalds should have never recovered after the McSpaghetti, and Italy should have declared war on the US using the McSacrilage as a casus belli.

Gone are the days of a good ol' beheading of the aristocrats outside of the Bastille. Past is the time where you could riot against the nobility with pitchforks and torches. Now all we have are sepia toned memories of Sweeney Todd-ing a couple of bankers while the back up singers create the illusion that Johnny Depp is a good singer.

Like a drugged up middle manager in a board room on a Monday morning nursing a come down, marker firmly pressed against a dirty whiteboard, let's perform a thought experiment. No, we are not going to devise ways to outsource skilled labour to third world countries and create a small profit, we are going to consider eating rich people.

Have the times really changed that much? We still technically live in a serfdom - mortgages and rents are out of control, and we are powerless to do anything against the nameless foreign landlords who own most of the real estate. The powers that be prevent us from working four day work weeks despite the experiments proving them to be vastly superior. And student debt is now the next ticking time bomb. But all is not lost, I have a plan.

Delve deep into our primate brain, and once more take a step into the breach to eat something once again that we shouldn't. A billionaire.

Please, please, calm down. I am not advocating for genocide. Just a sneaky nibble on one or two. And I know where to do it...

Now there is already a bonfire at Burning Man. The symbolism is not lost on me. Considering the event is also based on "radical inclusion" as per their website, sounds like they cannot say no. I would also like to state that some of their other core values also lend themselves well to a quick homicide.

Participation - eating a billionaire is encouraged, nay, demanded.

Civic Responsibility - is it not our generation's responsibility to create more equality for future generations?

Immediacy - Not sure why this is listed as a principle on the website, but sounds pretty neat if you want to avoid the cops.

Leaving No Trace - I mean do I even have to explain this one?

The stage is set. You don't even have to lure billionaires into the desert anymore like some sort of cartel member, they come willingly. Quick double hom, and some chalk lines and we as a society send a message that we will no longer tolerate things we don't understand like Mortgage Back Securities and CDO's affecting the price of a double mocha frappucino at Starbucks.

(Please do not murder a billionaire, or anyone. This is purely satire. And also please don't put me onto any government database. Thank you.)

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